The plough girl, part eight
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
Olga is promoted to head of security at the casino, and makes some long-needed changes. She also suggests a routine where she crushes a coconut between her thighs, and this really impresses the customers. Then she does the same with a skull ... which she then explains is just a plastic replica. She then added a quarter-bending routine. with the offer of, you give me $50,and a quarter, and I give you back the quarter, bent in half. But what really gets the customes excited, is her plough dance, using a real. 600 pound plough, where she lifts it, dances with it, raises it over her head and swings it down again. All very graceful, and when she's finished the dance, six men from the audience try to lift the plough between them, but they can only just manage to get it a few inches above the floor.
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The plough girl, part 9
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
Olga is interviewed on TV, and as a result, she meets Trudi, another plough girl. Trudi tells Olga that she's going back to Ukraine, to fight the Russians. "We're going back to Ukraine, and this time we're going to send the Russians back where they came from." Olga explains "I have to do this. I can't just stand by, and let other people fight my fight." Olga does her plough dance on the ship to Hamburg; the passengers love her. The plough girls make a plan. They will return to Ukraine, and go behind Russian lines, where they plan to kill Russian officers, destroy supply depots and ruining their logistics, so that the front lines are starved of fuel, ammo and food. The Russians would soon feel the wrath of a plough girl.
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The plough girl - part ten
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
Olga starts her gory work - killing Russian officers. The first one died in her leg scissors. He died when his ribs collapsed and penetrated his internal organs. He bled internally, copiously, and died silently. After killing several more officers, she attacked a stores depot, using a truck. She hitched a lift in a truck, leaned towards the driver, took his head in her hands and gave it a sharp twist, wringing his neck like a chicken. He was dead before he knew what was happening. The truck was doing fifty kph when it hit the oil drums, but she jumped off just before that happened. There was a satisfying explosion when one of the oil drums went up, another when the the fuel in the truck caught, and then the fire spread to the other oil drums, a raging inferno, which quickly spread to the big storage tanks nearby.
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The plough girl - part eleven
Price: 4.00
(Undisclosed)
Olga turns her attention to the railway system, because that's the way that military supplies were moved. She didn't have explosives, but she had something just as good - her legs. She used her powerful thighs to bend the rails a few inches, and the next train that came along derailed, the wagons behind also derailed, the fuel wagons burst and caught fire and the whole thing became a major disaster. After she did the same thing again, the Russians started patrolling the tracks in squads of four. They were easy meat for Olga and her sling. All she needed was her head scarf and her ammo was a stone. Then she started to bend the rails in tunnels, causing huge crashes that would take months to clear. Her efforts made the railway system nearly useless, because trains could only move slowly, and the lines had to be patrolled frequently. So Russian logistics had to go by road, and Olga used her sling to ambush truck convoys.
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The plough girl, part 12
Price: 4.00
(Undisclosed)
Olga turns her attention to the Russian airfields. They are heavily defended against attack from the air - radar, missiles and ack-ack. But they had no defense against a plough girl. She tore a hole in the chain link fence, sneaked in and stole a 300 pound barrel of gasoline. Then she grabbed a pilot and tortured him until he told her where the nearby airfields were. How do you throw a 300 pound barrel of gasoline, 1000 feet? Not even a plough girl can do that. So she built a trebuchet in the middle of the forest. Her first shot hit the fuel dump and started a huge fire. Her second shot hit the ammo storage, and there was a huge explosion which wrecked the airfield. After doing this a few times, the Russians got wise and burned down any forest within a kilometer of an airfield. So Olga changed tactics. Then an airplane takes off, it starts off pretty low - low enough for Olga to be able to hit it with a rock, thrown from her sling. This doesn't do much damage to the rock, but wrecks the airplane. And when that stopped working, she used home-made spars and a spear thrower. One spear, one airfield.
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The fight about the pronoun
Price: 4.00
(Undisclosed)
A UFC fighter identifies as a man despite having all the usual female equipment (boobs, uterus, vagina etc), because that's the only way he can fight in his weight class of 290 pounds. The pronouns used are "he, him". Nigel doesn't care, and refers to him as a girl, so he gets challenged. Nigel thinks that just because his birth certificate says "female", that's a permanent marker. The rest of the story is about how Nigel is destroyed, in detail. Not for the faint-hearted.
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Respect all, fear nun - part one
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
I run an orphanage, but it's very different from the usual orphanages. I'm Fiona, a nun on loan from St Hilda. You'll remember St Hilda's, the convent with the motto "Nil bonum sine passione", which means "No pain, no gain" and denotes the way we use Septadecaherbis and heavy iron to build massive muscles. The ingredients for the seventeen herbs and spices of Septadecaherbis are, of course, a secret. For a St Hilda's nun, I'm less than the average size - my arms are only 21 inches. My best friend Mandy is 24, Nora is 26. But 21 is usually enough. Mandy says that "biceps aren't everything", and proves it by showing her enormous thighs. I don't have huge thighs, but I do have a useful brain. Anyway, back to the orphanage. Apart from the fact that it's run by nuns seconded from St Hilda, we're very focused towards the off springs. It's bad enough that they're orphans, and don't know the love that only parents can give. We do our best for them, but there's a limit to how much love three nuns can give to 24 off springs. It's not that we lack love. It's that there simply isn't enough time in each day to give them what they'd get from a family, from parents. But here's my clever idea. Dogs. As well as 24 off springs, we have 24 dogs. Dogs will give unlimited love, unconditional love, and will be constantly available playmates. Plus, each off spring has to care for his or her dog, so they learn how to give as well as take.
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Respect all, fear nun part two
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
An inspector calls The letter confirming that the defunding had been rescinded, duly arrived. No surprise - Justin Graham had sworn on a bible that this would be done, and that's binding. But our celebrations were short-lived. That letter was swiftly followed by another, telling us that we were going to be inspected. If that sounded ominous, it's because it was. Not because we were doing anything wrong, but because today's America is a place where officials like the mayor make use of official systems to get what they personally want. Yes, that is corruption, but this is how it is now. We were in his way. He wanted the orphans to be in his privately run, for-profit, orphan machine - and the sisters of St Hilda wanted the orphans to have the best experiences growing up, that we could give them. I told Nancy, the Mother Superior. "Deal with it," she said, not unkindly. "I have great confidence in you, Fiona, and I'll pray for you." Prayer is good, of course, but I wanted more. "Could I borrow one of the novices?" I asked. "What for?" asked the Mother Superior. "When the inspectors call, I want to shadow them, to make sure they don't make up stuff about us. So I need the extra pair of hands. Could I borrow Daisy?" "You mean, Sister Vache?" "Yes." "OK, that's fine, you can have her for two weeks." She was called Sister Vache for a reason. And her nickname was Daisy for the same reason - a cow's udders can hold six gallons of milk, and a cow's teats are about two inches long. Daisy wasn't anywhere near that big - but nicknames don't have to be accurate.
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Respect all, fear nun - part three
Price: 4.00
(Story: Diana the Valkyrie)
The Westingfield Baptist Church I thought that things were going well. We'd avoided the possible defunding, we'd avoided being closed down on hygiene grounds, and the future looked rosy. Hah! We'd even managed to get an increase in funding, on account of Oakfield Developments repenting of their sins, and the world looked golden. Hah! The off spring at the orphanage were happy, we three nuns were happy (they even named a brand of tobacco after us), and the dogs, as ever, were happy. Happiness bloomed all over. And, for the third time, hah! Satan had not finished throwing his tribulations at us. The first sign that something was going wrong, was when I heard chanting coming from the road outside the orphanage. I listened hard. It sounded like "Stop the nonsense". I had to google that, and what I found was totally shocking. I called a staff meeting; me, Mandy and Nora. And I explained to them what nonsense is, and they were as shocked as I was. "I have to ask," I said, "but are either of you ...?" "Certainly not!" and "No way!" were the answers, followed by "I'm surprised you even thought you needed to ask!" "Well, I said. "Nuns have been known to ..." "To what," said Nora. I looked hard at Mandy. "What?" she said. "Candles," I said. She blushed.
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Respect all, fear nun - part four
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
We learn about nuns and candles, and the part they play in the life of a nun. Fiona dreams about Satan, and does a deal with the devil; the off spring of the orphanage will all get Xboxes in return for Fiona's soul. Fiona now thinks she's infested by Satan, so Sam does an exorcism for her, which involves some very heavy sex. But the Xboxes have already started to appear in the hands of the off springs. Where could they have come from? Then Fiona realizes. If it was all just a dream, then it didn't matter. And if it wasn't a dream, Satan was lying to her; it's what he does.
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